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I’m like a rich person, only without the money. By which I mean I’m tight –
not dry-teabags-on-a-draining-board tight, but I like to look after the
pounds (I’m not bothered at all what the pennies do).
And I love a bargain, especially when I’m on holiday. Trouble is, I don’t like
to subject myself readily to holiday misery.
I refuse to save £50 by flying from somewhere horrible, such as Stansted, at
some godforsaken hour, on a plane that won’t allocate me a seat or serve me
a nice bloody mary. And I won’t stay in a two-star tower block at the wrong
end of town just because it’s a third of the price of somewhere good.
I get all Michael Winnerish about the size of a swimming pool. Clearly, this
presents something of a catch22. I am not rich, but I have a rich man’s
tastes. I like bargains, but I refuse to skimp.
The only way I can ever be happy is when I have my cake, I eat it and it costs
much less than all the other cakes. It’s not easy but, over the years, I
have developed a system to make these cake demands possible.
I splash out on the things that matter (proper airline/decent hotel/large
pool) and scrimp mercilessly on the rest. And it works, sort of. Here it
is...
1 SMUGGLE DRINKS AND SNACKS
It is quite astonishing what hotels have the nerve to charge for a
bog-standard drink or a packet of non-fancy crisps or plain old water. The
last time I looked, a hotel that will remain nameless (actually, no it
won’t, it’s the Metropolitan on Hyde Park Corner) wanted £3.50 for a KitKat,
and, just a few doors up, another (Claridge’s) was asking £4.50 for a Coke.
I simply won’t have it.
I pop out with a rucksack, find the nearest 7-Eleven and stock up on all the
essentials: water, cashews, the local beer, maybe a bottle of wine, and so
on. If I arrive in the middle of the night, I attack only the easily
replaceable items, such as Evian or Coke, then sneak out to buy new ones the
next morning. If the hotel has one of those ruthlessly automated minibars
that charges your account the second you remove something, I have an
enormous argument at reception about how unfair life is, until they refund
the item I never drank (even though I did).
2 GET A TAKEAWAY
Eating in your room might be incredibly unassimilating and lazy of you, but
who cares, you’ve got jet lag. You’re lying on your bed with your shoes on,
watching bad TV because you’re not going to pay £15 for a good movie... and
you’re hungry. Why restrict yourself to the miserable and overpriced
room-service menu?
Ask the concierge for the top takeaway options, then call and get something
sent over. If the concierge knows his stuff, the food will be much better,
too.
3 NICK LUNCH FROM THE BREAKFAST BUFFET
This is quite low-rent, but what do they expect if they put out lunch-based
items (cheese, ham, steak, champagne) at breakfast? I make the sandwiches
and bag them long before I’ve finished breakfast.
I figure it’s subtler that way. This serves two purposes: it proves there is
such a thing as a free lunch and it means I can picnic where I drop: on the
beach, in a park, halfway around a museum. And I was kidding about the
champagne... it’s too difficult to sneak out in a napkin.
4...OR HAVE A FANCY LUNCH RATHER THAN A FANCY DINNER
Why is lunch less expensive than dinner? It’s the same food, but the laws of
supply and demand mean most restaurateurs have to work harder to fill the
room in the daytime. Gordon Ramsay is as good a benchmark as any. His
restaurant at The London, in Manhattan, has a three-course lunch menu for
£23. In the evening, three courses will cost you more than double that. And
the great thing about being on holiday is you are allowed a long lunch. And
you can sleep it off in the afternoon without getting the sack.
5 TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF HAPPY HOUR
We British are fast acquiring a reputation as the world’s greatest
binge-drinkers. Don’t let the side down. Many hotels offer free or cheap
drinks in the evenings – neck the cocktails like you’re steeling yourself
for a date with a supermodel, and don’t be coy with the canapés either.
They’re so good at Hong Kong’s InterContinental (if you’ve splashed out on a
room on the executive floor) that you won’t need dinner – which is lucky,
because you won’t be able to afford it.
6 DON’T USE A HOTEL TRANSFER
It’s nice to have a man in a smart uniform holding a sign with your misspelt
name on it when you arrive at the airport, but transfers are a definite
no-no for scrimpers. Ditto airport taxis. In Tokyo, a taxi from Narita into
town costs more than £100, but the perfectly decent airport coach costs £13.
That leaves you an awful lot of cash to spend in flashy, Michelin-starred
restaurants. From Newark into New York, the taxi costs $45-$55 because,
unfortunately for scrimpers, this is a tipping culture. The train costs $5,
no tip, leaving $50 for cocktails.
7 NEVER ROAM WITH YOUR MOBILE. NOT EVER
Last year, the EU did a good thing: it capped mobile roaming charges. So you
won’t get home from a brief but chatty weekend in, say, Paris, and find you
have to sell the urn you keep granny’s ashes in to pay your phone bill.
Still, there are few phone conversations worth £1.30 a minute, which is what
Orange would love to charge me to call home from the States. Well, hah!
There are cheaper ways: www.0044.co.uk
sells Sim cards for specific countries for £20; on the USA Sim, you can then
receive calls for free, make local calls for 18p/min and call home for 18p
(mobiles 32p). Sadly, it deactivates after a month unless you top up with
$60. So the super-scrimper might prefer the same company’s virtual phone
card, which allows, for example, 3p/min calls from land lines in the USA.
It’s a no-brainer.
8 MAKE THE MOST OF MONDAY
Museums, galleries and exhibitions the world over offer free admission on
Mondays to let the impoverished locals have a squizz. How very civic. But
scrimpers are impoverished too after refusing to take advantage of a 1p
flight. Do wandering around, beach, eating – whatever it is you get up to –
over the weekend and squeeze all the free stuff in on Monday.
9...OR BUY A CITY PASS
I know it’s boring going into the tourist office, but most cities/regions/
islands sell good-value combi-tickets. Free public transport plus half-price
into Sea World, that sort of thing. Scrimper’s paradise.
10 ALWAYS ASK TO CHANGE ROOMS
This works about one in seven times and is entirely reprehensible, but
anyway... you arrive at your hotel and check into your standard room. Five
minutes in, call reception: you don’t like the size of the bath, the height
of the ceilings, the size of the bed, the curtains, the carpet. It’s not,
you tell them mournfully, what you expect from a hotel of such reputedly
impeccable standards.
Flustered, they may offer to move you to another room. You say, look, I’m not
unreasonable, but won’t it have the same smelly carpet/sofa/bed? They say
probably. You say, generously, I’ll pay to upgrade. They either say: no, sod
off; yes, it will cost a nominal and scrimpable fee; or no need, we’ll put
you in a deluxe suite, sorry for the inconvenience. The customer is
sometimes right.
I am totally against embarrassing oneself to save a few pennies but I'm amazed that anyone might think that bringing one's food into a hotel room is in any way questionable. The only shame here is the way a hotel honors it's guests by charging them double the going rate for everything they touch.
Edwin, Munich,
Taking something from the minibar & then replacing it is borrowing without permision....er...stealing.
Jim, Cabrales, Spain
Ah the Ugly American/Englishman abroad. So whingy, so cheap, so spoilt that they think it's acceptable to complain about something perfectly decent or steal copious amounts (rather than the little snack most of us take) & make the hotel staff lives' more stressful. A shining example to us all.
Heather Rome, Maidenhead, United Kingdom
these are all good ideas to have in your back pocket if and when the need arises. may i suggest the other readers of this forum offer their own tips.
mine, i always carry a swiss army knife with a corkscrew and screwdriver.. you never know what sort of electrical plugs you'll end up using travelling from say europe to rio to joberg...
i give full credit to poor people getting out and seeing the most of the world that they can! all hotels have lousy rooms; wht should you stay in one?
david w. osedach, san diego, california, usa
I agree with Martina, most of these are obvious, but complaining about a perfectly good room (i.e. the one you paid for) to get a free upgrade is immoral and cheap. Likewise stealing ,whether it is from the breakfast room, or by not paying for something that you have consumed by complaining vociferously is simply theft.
David, London, UK
Though a couple of these recommendations are useful, most are obvious, irritating or wrong.
Number 1 is obvious (BYO is cheaper). But, if you use the mini bar, pay for it! Arguing with the staff when you are in the wrong is irritating to everyone at reception, employees and guests alike.
Numbers 2 and 4 are obvious.
Number 3 is pathetic. Support local shops and restaurants.
Number 6 is both obvious and partially wrong: The train from Newark to New York Penn Station is $15. From JFK to anywhere on the NYC subway, it's $7.
Number 7 is useful.
Number 8 is wrong. Nearly all museums and art galleries "the world over" are CLOSED on Mondays (the Museum of Modern Art in NY is a notable exception). Some museums in NY are free or pay what you wish on Friday evenings (e.g. MoMA), but this is something to ask about on arrival.
Number 9 is useful. Tourism boards can be very helpful.
Number 10 is irritating to everyone unless there's a good reason to request a change.
John, New York,
Most US supermarkets do a great range of takeaway buffet hot and cold including cutlery. Why squander £23 ($46 in today's money) in G.Ramsay's when the sun is shining in the park / on your hotel balcony? spend $15 (£8) on a banquet and enjoy alfresco.
Kevin, Bath, UK
How can Peter know that they've factored in the cost of lunch? seems a very odd thing to make a definitive statement about. Maybe he 'knows' the ins and outs of one, or maybe more, chain hotels, but I can think of one or two little independent hotels in France that put on a lovely breakfast buffet and I was mortified to see two families of Brits (of course) grabbing rolls and extra cheese and ham and god knows what else to take out. I don't think that Madame la Patronne had factored lunch costs into her very reasonable B and B charges at all. It's still tacky!
janey, Bath,
I rather think you have already paid to nick stuff at breakfast - the hotels know people do it so the cost is factored in.
Peter, Birmingham, UK
Isn't 'nicking' lunch from the breakfast buffet exactly that - just 'nicking'? The hotel hasn't charged - and you haven't paid - for providing you with lunch, so it's theft, pure and simple. Cheese and ham and so on ARE breakfast staples in many countries - the Norwegian language students who stay with me each year choose that kind of breakfast as it's what they are used to. I always thinks it looks so so tacky, seeing someone furtively constructing their rolls and smuggling them in their bag before returning to the buffet to 'nick' an apple or orange to accompany their lunchtime picnic. Just go and pay a couple of quid for a sandwich at a local deli - it's not going to bankrupt you, but it's a lot more dignified.
janey, Bath,
I think the author meant that he did replace the items from the minibar, but got charged simply for having removed them from the fridge. I have actually been charged for temporarily taking one out to check the ingredients. "Easily replaceable" is the key. Make sure it's a standard Coke or beer size and put the do-not-disturb sign up as you visit the 7-11 so they don't inventory while you're out.
Richard, Philadelphia, US
The writer is not suggesting that you steal from the minibar: he is saying that you drink the evian in the evening, and replace it iwith an identical evian in the morning (but bought from a local supermarket at one fifth of the cost). The point that he is making is that the sensor will register that something has been taken away - but won't register that an identical item has been put back.
Charlotte, Glasgow,
I agree with most, except for the bit about stealing from the minibar. Just because it's outrageously expensive doesn't mean that it's okay to take it without paying for it.
John F, London,
He's not exactly your average scrimper going to the most elite restaurants and hotels and spending a fortune! its more like a guide to scrimping for millionaires!
dug, london,
When you check into an hotel, ask to be upgraded. My experience (and insider information) has taught me that if they have a nicer room available for your stay, they'll probably let you have it!
Laurence, Stanford, CA
I think you'll find that in Austria and Germany, a lot of museums take Monday ast their day off.
Apart from the room change trick and the claiming not to have consumed something from the mini-bar when you have, I do all these things anyway. I'm surprised that Times readers would need to be taught about these things. Oh... sorry.. I don't bother with happy hours. I can barely cope with one alcoholic drink, never mind two.
Martina, Duesseldorf, Germany